Yet another year has passed. Indeed, the time has come for yet another thrilling parody of the classic story: "'Twas the Night Before Christmas." Last year, the tale was in a far off battlefield, narrating one of many epic battles between the Master Chief and his alien foes. This year, however, the tale hits the home front, bringing the battle directly into your own living room. Some of you may gasp in horror at the grisly details of my tale; therefore, ye be warned, this story is not for the faint of heart. Some of you may think that I have too much time on my hands...and you would be right. And still some of you may read this and consider it brainless...to that I say, "Nobody asked you for your opinion!" Alas, I digress. So now, for a tale, a year in the making:
'Twas the night before Christmas
And thus was my plan
To keep vigil throughout the night
And wait for the "Fat Man"
And thus was my plan
To keep vigil throughout the night
And wait for the "Fat Man"
Knowing full well, St. Nick would be there
A mannequin I had placed in my bed beneath the sheets
Intending to fool the old man into thinking I was asleep
When out in the air there arose such a clatter
I engaged my night-vision to see what was the matter
When what to my searching eyes should appear
A sleigh full of toys pulled by tiny reindeer
A mannequin I had placed in my bed beneath the sheets
Intending to fool the old man into thinking I was asleep
When out in the air there arose such a clatter
I engaged my night-vision to see what was the matter
When what to my searching eyes should appear
A sleigh full of toys pulled by tiny reindeer
At the helm, a red coated driver with a long white beard
I readied my traps as the Fat Man drew near
I closed shut my window and heard up on the roof
The clakity-clak of each little hoof
I ducked behind sandbags, got close to the ground
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound
The C4 went off, sending St. Nick to the sky
I had always wanted, to see a fat man fly
He hit the far wall, then fell with a "THWACK"
His toys went everywhere as a hole tore in the sack
A mistake I had made, with him none should trifle
From under his coat, he pulled an assault rifle
"You too," he said," awaited my arrival."
"So prepare yourself, as we battle for survival"
He spoke of others who had battled him this night
Each of them had waited, prepared for a fight
"Thirty-eight I have bested, in this night alone."
"From London to Hong-Kong, Paris to Rome."
"Try as you may, I cannot be beat."
"You best be prepared, for utter defeat."
From behind the sandbags, I came up to a crouch
And as be blathered on, pulled a 'nade from my pouch
I pulled the pin, and counted to three
Threw it over my bunker, and into the tree
The grenade exploded, as St. Nick dove through a door
Sounds of gunfire rang out, casings littered the floor
A thousand rounds later, not a round found its mark
Outside, the sun brought light o'er the dark
"Enough is enough, I'm long overdue."
"I'll never finish my route if I keep fighting you."
Out the window he leapt, out into the dawn
And ordered his reindeer down onto the lawn
I grabbed my rifle, and looked down the sights
Acquiring my target as dark turned to light
He let out a yell, as he flew out of town
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a - *KRACKOW*
I closed shut my window and heard up on the roof
The clakity-clak of each little hoof
I ducked behind sandbags, got close to the ground
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound
The C4 went off, sending St. Nick to the sky
I had always wanted, to see a fat man fly
He hit the far wall, then fell with a "THWACK"
His toys went everywhere as a hole tore in the sack
A mistake I had made, with him none should trifle
From under his coat, he pulled an assault rifle
"You too," he said," awaited my arrival."
"So prepare yourself, as we battle for survival"
He spoke of others who had battled him this night
Each of them had waited, prepared for a fight
"Thirty-eight I have bested, in this night alone."
"From London to Hong-Kong, Paris to Rome."
"Try as you may, I cannot be beat."
"You best be prepared, for utter defeat."
From behind the sandbags, I came up to a crouch
And as be blathered on, pulled a 'nade from my pouch
I pulled the pin, and counted to three
Threw it over my bunker, and into the tree
The grenade exploded, as St. Nick dove through a door
Sounds of gunfire rang out, casings littered the floor
A thousand rounds later, not a round found its mark
Outside, the sun brought light o'er the dark
"Enough is enough, I'm long overdue."
"I'll never finish my route if I keep fighting you."
Out the window he leapt, out into the dawn
And ordered his reindeer down onto the lawn
I grabbed my rifle, and looked down the sights
Acquiring my target as dark turned to light
He let out a yell, as he flew out of town
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a - *KRACKOW*
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| I don't actually watch the show, but for this story this picture is perfect... |
And so there you
have it, a thrilling tale of a fat, bearded man being bested by yours
truly. Another year will pass, and the gears of the mind shall turn. So
with this promise, I bid thee farewell, and a very, merry, Santa-less
Christmas...
...And there you have it. The unaltered madness that was my imagination two years ago. I'll be posting another here pretty soon, so if you liked this one, stay tuned!
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